


It's So Light

by shslmonikakinnie



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23872810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shslmonikakinnie/pseuds/shslmonikakinnie
Summary: Ouma becomes overwhelmed and decides to commit. That's it that's the whole fic basically. Have fun.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 247





	It's So Light

**Author's Note:**

> HEAVY TW FOR SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE. self-care is letting yourself vent about your suicide attempt through fanfiction because there was no one there to care about you afterward

The digital clock on the top right hand corner of the bright display read, “2:43 AM.” 

There was still no one to talk to. His thoughts were keeping him up and everyone was asleep, and it was not probable that someone would want to talk to a disgusting, vile monster like Kokichi Ouma. At this point he wondered how much of his outward personality was seeping in through the cracks, like blood coming in through a mask. It was drowning him. The bright sterile light above seemed to glare at him, bouncing off the whiteboard with each person’s picture on it in a diagram. A low buzzing sound echoed through his ears. This room made him feel so isolated, so much of a stranger in his own space. He turned over on his bed to see the cardboard cutout of Rantarou he had hanging up, letting out a dry laugh as he made eye contact with the paper-y eyes before turning his gaze to the ceiling. The buzzing was growing louder and louder as the lights seemed to become brighter. The sheets wrapped him in their cold embrace, almost trying to squeeze him like a boa. Kokichi’s breath quickened and he felt himself curling up in an effort to calm himself. He started scratching his arms, trying to get himself to stop. Anxiety tightened his stomach and he winced in pain. Soft tears began tumbling out as he coughed and his petite hands rose up to his dark plum hair. He started by softly caressing his greasy locks before violently pulling at them. The dark haired male knew what he had done. He was not allowed to be comforted. While one hand pulled at his hair, the other began scratching at his scalp. He hated himself, he loathed himself for creating such a fake persona. Now nobody would care for him or love him, he had dug himself a grave and he was ready to die. It did not matter anyways if he died or not, nobody would blink an eye. 

Kokichi lifted his head. The messy room felt so oppressive. He slowly slid off the bed, legs quivering as he took agonizingly long steps to the bathroom before facing himself in the mirror. The liar had not noticed how his eyes sunk and his cheekbones cut his face. He looked horrible. Carefully discarding of his checkered scarf, Kokichi ran his hands over the scars from last time, lightly tracing the marks as tears started falling down his cheeks again. His breath caught when he remembered what Shuichi had told him, “You’re alone, Kokichi. And you always will be.” His hand dropped to the ceramic sink and his knees buckled, landing himself on the cool tile floor. The buzzing was becoming louder and louder and the clean white tiles brighter and brighter and he scratched at the wooden cabinets under the sink, opening them to find something to just quiet his mind for a little bit longer. He just wanted quiet isolation, no one needed him anyways. There was nothing to be found, searching through the small cabinet except for a small bottle of cough syrup and low-dosage painkillers. Kokichi wanted to scream; since he just wanted his thoughts to end. He was worthless and a terrible human being. He stood up, In a fit of rage at his existence, the liar threw the cough syrup at the mirror to hear the glass shatter as he bawled harder, looking at his cracked reflection. His chest heaved and his breath escaped him as he grabbed at the pieces, hissing at the cuts it gave him as he squeezed harder, looking at his reflection in an effort to figure out where he lost himself so deeply. His hands bled bubblegum pink and started to cover the shards before he flung the shards across the bathroom. Kokichi wrapped his arms around his shaking body, lowering himself onto the floor, hands sliding over his arms, something he saw Kaede doing to Shuichi when he got worked up. It didn’t work. Kokichi slammed his head against the tile floor, seeing the bright blood flow from his hands, staining the tile as it mixed with his tears. His emotions were killing him. How fit for a person who never showed his emotions. The demeaning words of the others flooded his mind only allowing him to sob, “I’m sorry, I’m- I’m  _ sorry,  _ I- I’m so sorry I’m-!” His breath hitched again as the dark haired teen remembered Shuichi’s golden eyes staring him down like he was garbage. The bright pink thumped in Kokichi’s head as he stood up, realizing just how much of a mess he had made. Kokichi looked out at the door to find the pictures of the others on the whiteboard still staring blankly. 

He feared being alone, yet he felt as if it was inescapable, the crushing demeanors of his peers he helped cause. It was all his fault after all, so why not die? Sucking in his breath, Kokichi lifted himself up gracefully and floated over to the white board, wiping off all the marks he had made before his shaking hand wrote ‘Friends’ underneath the portraits. If he was going to die, he might as well die in fantasy. Adding to it, he wrote a little heart under Shuichi’s profile, trying his best not to cry even more, he had already made a mess with his own blood, not to mention his manipulation and lies. He forced a smile before settling the pen down harshly, mask dropping. Making himself over to the boxes stacked up on the other side of the room, he scavenged for a rope or a tie, or something. Ah, finally, a nice clean white tie. It wouldn’t stay that way for long as his hands stained it hot pink. Kokichi stutteringly made his way back over to his bed, even if it wasn’t even  _ his, _ it was all part of this sick killing game. 

Kokichi took a breath before settling the tie around his neck. The buzzing became higher and higher, it was annoying, he just wanted a bit of bliss, so he prepared his headphones and hooked them up to the monopad, selecting some trashy sad music, tears not ceasing. His head ached and he hated it. The purple haired teen turned up the volume before starting to effortlessly tie the knot that would end his life. It wasn’t like he hadn’t done this before, he was just too much of a fucking chicken to go through with it. He wondered if that was a lie too, he wasn’t exactly keeping track of his lies anyways. The music soared and the tie tightened around his neck as Kokichi felt consumed by the sobs. He weeped before stretching out a hand towards the photo of Shuichi he had hanging up on the whiteboard, grasping for something. “It- it was for you, Shuichi-” Kokichi managed, “I- I just want to be with you, but I was too fucking stupid and heartless to tell you. I’m such a- a shitty person, I’m sorry, I just wanted love, t- that’s all. P-please don’t hate me.” He begged before his hands betrayed him and pulled the tie closer to his neck as he wailed. “I really am a  _ fucking _ crybaby, aren’t I?” Kokichi said to himself, sucking in his breath before tightening once more. The world felt so light, so so light and his vision blurred. He felt his cheeks puff and the music quiet as he became limp. He felt a bit happier as he let his eyes roll back as he attempted to keep a grip on the tails of the tie before letting go. “What a fucking chicken am I.” The purple haired liar thought to himself. Kokichi let himself fall onto the firm mattress as his oxygen replenished. He spoke low, “God, I just wanted some friends. Why, why did I  _ do this? _ ” 

Kokichi screamed into the mattress and continued to let his tears spill out. He didn’t want  _ anyone  _ to die, and that was the truth. His lies felt so overpowering, like thorns wrapping around his neck and wrists. Being dead would get rid of these feelings, and he could feel bliss again, like the euphoria and happiness when Shuichi would chat with him. He silently apologized for making fun of him all those times. He apologized for all the times when he made the others feel worthless, how he teased and berated his peers. Being dead would surely bring justice to those he had wronged, right? 

The dark haired teen felt a heavy fog rest upon his chest. He knew what he had to do. He was responsible.

Kokichi wrapped his bloodied hands around the tie, pulling it and feeling it constrict his neck and cut off his air flow. The buzzing overtook the music as he felt himself become more loose, his vision become blurred yet again, and yellow seemingly seeping into view, bright yellow. He always hated that color. Yet he was so happy now, tears silently streaming down his face as a grin appeared, allowing his eyes to look back up at the ceiling as his headphones slipped off, then gazed back at the fading portrait of Shuichi hanging up on the whiteboard. Kokichi’s voice crackled, “S-Shui-Shuichi-” he struggled and tightened his grip before- 

.

.

.

A knock at the door. Kokichi stumbled and felt his head crash down onto the floor before he choked, struggling and clutching onto the carpet as he fought to stay alive. The truth was that Kokichi didn’t want to The knocking continued, seemingly more worriedly and frantic. Kokichi felt his eyelids flutter open. “Kokichi?” A muffled voice called. It kind of resembled Shuichi. “Ah, so someone has finally figured me out. A fucking wreck of a monsterous person who can’t get his life together enough not to  _ fucking  _ end it.” Kokichi thought to himself. In an effort to answer the door, he accidentally slid off the bed and came crashing down. This only seemed to worry whoever was outside the door even more, as it seemed they were attempting to rattle the doorknob open. Then, Kokichi heard faint beeping. Maybe this person was trying to guess the key to his dorm? He wasn’t sure anymore. Hopefully whoever was behind the door was there to kill him. Apparently this mystery person had guessed it right, as Kokichi heard soon afterwards a bright ‘ding!’ He lifted his head up to see Shuichi standing there with an almost frightened expression on his face. Everything else was bleary, but Kokichi could see the blue haired teen’s eyes nearly shake… with worry? 

“No, no Kokichi- I-” Shuichi started to cry as well, nearly falling down to Kokichi’s side, lifting his palms up to examine. Kokichi just stared back in response, desperate to erase any trace of emotion on his face. Shuichi gasped, “We- we need some bandages-” dropping Kokichi’s palm, Shuichi let it land on the floor with a thud, turning around to get up before Kokichi mumbled, “N-no I want- I want Shu.” 

  
Shuichi fell down back to Kokichi, taking the little teen’s head into his arms before softly caressing his hair in an attempt to calm Kokichi down. More tears flooded down Shuichi’s face as he spoke “I’m so sorry Kokichi, I- I just wanted to  _ apologize _ .” Apologize? What was there to apologize for. The thought wrapped around Kokichi’s mind as he closed his eyes and let Shuichi calm him down. It felt good, so  _ good _ for someone to hold him for once. Kokichi decided to snuggle in more to the taller boy’s shoulder, allowing himself to delight in Shuichi’s smell of old books, clean laundry and… This was surely a dream, right? There was no way  _ Shuichi  _ of all people would come to his aid. Kokichi’s eyes fluttered open once again to check- Yep, it was Shuichi, bawling his eyes out once again. But for him? Kokichi’s mind was still reeling. “Kokichi, please, you can’t- please don’t die,” Shuichi managed to blubber out. He lifted the smaller boy’s hand up to his cheek. “Kokichi, I-  _ please  _ don’t die!” He choked out. Kokichi felt almost relieved and swiped his thumb over Shuichi’s cheekbone, painting it with hot pink as well, making eye contact with the other boy’s beautiful golden eyes. Tears rushed down as he croaked, “I- I’ll be okay, you don’t have to worry about me-” Kokichi’s words were cut off with a sharp cough, a reprimand from his own body. “Oh, no Kokichi, don’t push yourself, please-” Shuichi spoke as he continued to pet Kokichi’s locks down, softly comforting him. “Hey, Kokichi, is it okay if I get the bandages now?” The taller teen asked softly. Kokichi nodded in reply, feeling lonely yet again as the warmth of Shuichi escaped his grasp. Yet, he didn’t feel sadness, more like hope, in a way.

\---

Now that Kokichi was bandaged up and taken care of, Shuichi could study the other boy a little closer. He wondered since when Kokichi had developed such a small frame and poor sunken eyes? The smaller boy was most certainly malnourished and clearly had not been taking proper care of himself, and that worried Shuichi. His lip quivered and his mind searched for an appropriate response, but he could only come up with, “Kokichi, you’re so-  _ boney. _ ” The words almost cut into Kokichi before he could come up with a quick response. “Oh- thanks.” He plainly put. 

“I'm- worried. What happened?” Shuichi inquired.

Kokichi forced a dry chuckle. “What do  _ you  _ think happened, de tec- tive?” His words overflowed 

with poisonous sweetness on every syllable. 

  
  
Shuichi’s tears started to fall again. Kokichi felt horrible, a pang of guilt shooting through his heart. “Kokichi, please just be honest with me,” Shuichi pleaded, his salty tears catching at his jaw. “I just want to _help_ you.” Kokichi was still not sure how to respond to the boy’s kind words. Maybe he could let the mask drop. Just for him. 


End file.
